Level One Formal Writing

This piece of formal writing was produced for the 2008 NCEA 1.2 paper and it was graded as excellence by the exam marker. Any comments?

‘Country living is good for young people.’

Country living is good for young people. New Zealand is facing an obesity epidemic, and we are fast losing the icon we so dearly cherish of a rugged Kiwi farming bloke. We are also becoming progressively more paranoid about animals. Being brought up in the country can solve a lot of that.

One of New Zealand’s greatest health problems at the moment is that of obesity. It is becoming increasingly more apparent that New Zealanders, especially and most alarmingly New Zealand children are growing fatter. Confined to small, in city gardens with little in the way of outdoor activity, New Zealand children are turning to TV, X-box and Playstations.

These forms of entertainment provide little or no exercise for our children, allowing their waistlines to bulge. By bringing them up in the country however, they have a far wider range of outdoor activities. From horse riding to tramping or even just playing in a wider, more exciting outdoor space, and helping their parents on the farm, there is far more chance for them to get out and get active. More activity means less time on the couch, and less bulge.

Our gradually more indoor dwelling population is also causing us to lose one of our most treasured national icons; the Kiwi bloke. This rugged young, strong farming bloke represents all that we are steadily losing as we become more centralised, more focused on ‘flashy’ clothing and the latest technologies in gaming consoles. Yet there is still hope, young people brought up in the country learn to live as the icon we hold so dear. They learn how to ‘tough it out’ and work and live off the land.

As a nation our awareness and understanding of animals is appallingly low. Dog attacks are frequently over-publicised and cause the public to fall into a sense of mild paranoia. Yet there is no real justification for our paranoia. We must simply learn more about the animals and learn how to deal with them. In order to do this we must start with the children. Too many times have I seen a child run screaming simply because a dog barked a happy greeting through the fence. The very essence of the countryside is the life, the creatures and animals that live there. Bringing up our children in the country will help them to learn more about and give them a better understanding of animals. We need to be more animal aware, and in order to do so, we must educate our children.

Get up, get out, and get active.

A rural lifestyle will provide our children, our young people with a chance to fight the bulge by giving them a much wider range of active outdoor entertainment. This more outdoor lifestyle can also help save one of our most treasured icons; the kiwi farming bloke. Furthermore, a rural lifestyle is more educational for our children in terms of animal awareness, something we are terribly lacking as a nation.


8 thoughts on “Level One Formal Writing

  1. I don’t believe it ‘flows’ the way an excellence response should. It reads to me as statemen after statement. Well done though.

  2. i wrote something similar to this about another topic i didnt use all those big words but i still expected atleast a achieved all my teacher told me was that i was really close.
    after than she has just been putting me down now im lost and havent had time to study im really nervous cause i got less than 70 credits and the only class im failling is hers

  3. I think it is ghastly and can’t believe it got Excellence. Well I exaggerate a bit- it is not totally ghastly but it is not Excellence. It roughly follows a format of intro, three points and a conclusion but there is no crafting in the introduction – just a series of unrelated statements. the first two paragraphs after the intro should be one paragraph. There are language errors. There are no links between paragraphs. The conclusion pulls the disparate parts together and finally makes sense of it all. There is some clever use of language which probably gave the marker a good impression.

  4. Chill out!!!!
    I think it is good. It has been helpful for inspriation and has all the necessary e requirments. Actuualy I havent read it cuse it is way too long. But well done and to Sally, it is all about impressing the marker isn’t it?

  5. omg i am so stressed atm i am trying to study but not sure how to, every1 at home is really busy with my granddad dieing and i cant concentrate. i wish a i could write like the above formal writing. May god help us all with our exams. good luck every1.

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